He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
