I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
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