I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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