I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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