I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
You took a bar mat shot.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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