Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
