i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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