I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
