If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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