Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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