i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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