Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Randomize
