I'm laying in your front yard are you home
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
you told grandpa to call you daddy
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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