so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
