a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Also, beer. Big fan.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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