Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
The ass gains better be worth it
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