WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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