I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
