the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
