I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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