So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
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what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
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Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
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