ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
