I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
