Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
