tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
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good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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