He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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