You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
