I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
