Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize