I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
