i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
