So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
