The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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