Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
