Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
