either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
