When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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