TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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