i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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