its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Apparently you make a good broom.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
