I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
