I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Couch. On fire.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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