he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
