Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
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