I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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