My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
