can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize