New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
