She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
