No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
