Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
