apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
