i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
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