ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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