"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
vagina is talking i cant
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.