Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
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Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
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I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".