At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
