does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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