Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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