he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
i need to put some appletini on your dick
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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