you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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