Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
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