Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I'm passing your future prison.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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