Kiss
Puke
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
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