I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
