My girlfriend figured out who you are.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
