So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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